Empathy is not a magic word

Since I started to practice professional counseling, people have asked the same question: “How do you not let the problems of others get to you?” The answer is a little more complicated than what most of you might think.

At school, we are trained to feel empathy for our clients so we can actually help them. Empathy is one of the most important parts of our job because it gives us compassion, affinity and a sense of understanding of the person’s problems. In a way it is like putting yourself in their shoes so you would help without judging, but at the same time, empathy can cloud your judgment and get too attached to the life and problems of others to the point where helping is not only hard but physically and mentally impossible.

Before seeing my first client, I remember being very anxious about it; at school, every time I read about a difficult case, I wondered how I was going to be able to handle myself as a psychotherapist, would I cry with them? Would I get mad at the person causing their pain? How would I feel in cases of child abuse? Would I be able to be empathic without losing focus on my professional knowledge? After all, this knowledge is what would also help my clients to become mentally healthier and have better lives.

To be honest, I think it is still too soon for me to tell you how it feels, what I can tell you is that so far, what had left me with a sad heart was not the problem of one of my clients, but the time one of them decided she wanted to quit therapy.

Since the moment I met this lady, I had big hopes for her, after our first session, I thought she was not only smart but very open and aware of what she wanted to take from therapy. She was able to understand the roots of what have brought her to me so, when she called me and said: “I have been thinking that therapy will be just too painful for me, I won’t be coming anymore”, it actually broke my heart.

As her therapist, I cannot push her to come, none of us are able to change anyone, not even psychotherapists; we are trained to guide our clients, to help them understand themselves and find in their own worlds the answers and paths to a better life. Change only comes from those willing to change and the fact that my client was so scared to even try, was very hard on me as a new counselor.

Giving up can never be an option, giving up is worst that falling into the same problem over and over again. An addict that keeps falling but keeps trying has more willingness to change that one that is able to stay sober for years and then go back to the addiction and stays there.

So that is what I can tell you about my first months inside the real world of therapy. I haven't seen a lot of different cases but to answer the question about letting it in, what I can tell you is this:

Being part of a helping profession is not easy, you need to know first of all, that you signed to it because you really wanted to help others; second, you need to understand that carrying the problems of others as your own will only drain you and will keep you from helping them and others and third, you have to know when you need a break.

A lot of the professional counselors that have been doing this for a while have told me the same thing, “know when you need to refer a client, know when you need to step back for a while from the whole thing and take time for yourself, your family and friends, and also, it’s ok if after a session you need to cry, so do it! Wipe your face and get ready for the next person because you are making a difference, you are helping others, you are doing something good!

#empathy #counseling #therapy